A dear friend of mine is a BRILLIANT jewellery designer. Every time I wear one of her pieces, I become cooler. And I’m not all that cool. Awesome? Yes…but cool? Only when I’m wearing something from Army of Rokosz. So she launched her new collection this weekend and I show up wearing no earrings in hopes that I will leave looking better than when I arrived and while I certainly did, that’s not the point of this post.

But that’s where the following conversation unfolded, in Andrea’s studio.

I was conversing with two of my closest friends. We’ve known each other since we were thirteen and so we’ve seen the worst of each other, because, you know…adolescence. enough said.

We’ve Watched each other become women. We’ve witnessed one another fall in love, be beaten by heartbreak, grapple with our creativity, life’s work and deepest longings. We’ve cried together, travelled together, sweet talked the cops together and held each other’s hair when we’ve barfed. Between us we’ve been pregnant together, watched each other get married, birth babies, lose parents, get divorced, graduate from university, make a shit-ton of money, start companies, lose a shit-ton of money and battle demons. And that doesn’t scratch the surface. This is a special kind of soul union. Move over travelling pants…

So we’re reminiscing about some of the more acute dramas of the last few years, our new jewellery sparkling its homage to mother’s day and we land on a painful topic and I reflexively say… “Really, it could be so much worse.” In the beat that was skipped, we all felt it, the worse-ness that it could be. Until one broke the silence.

Yeah, but it’s actually really shitty.”

touché 

How often does that happen?!? We don’t want to be whiny victims and so we’re all ‘oh, it could be so much worse, let’s be grateful for what we have’. And GRATITUDE, my friends, needs to be cultivated, like now.

But I’m kind of on a rampage against positive thinking these days. Not because I think we should be negative, whiny, victims. But because acknowledging shitty HONOURS you. It’s great that we feel grateful. It’s great that we can shake it off and soldier on. It’s important to see past the end of your pain to a greater landscape of what’s happening and appreciate what you’ve got. life.

But it’s a slippery slope when we use this positivity, bright side and gratitude to side-step our pain or worse…guilt trip ourselves into accepting or even perpetuating our suffering. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this life gig is hella painful. And just because someone has it worse than you or just because your circumstances could be worse than they are, doesn’t mean you don’t feel pain. Further, it doesn’t mean that your pain isn’t worthy of acknowledgement, tenderness and compassion.

So could whatever it is that you’re going through be worse? Yes. But is it still really shitty? Yep.

So dear one…may your suffering subside…may you be well…may you be free.

Have you ever been in the middle of doing something that you’re apparently really stoked about doing, only to suddenly pay attention to what you’re actually feeling and suddenly you’re all…wait a minute! I’m not having a good time AT ALL.

I set about writing an article about pursuing our life’s calling and that’s exactly what happened. I was jaw clenched and pushing through. Which is weird. Because I really dig life’s calling and I really dig writing. So instead of rising up and meeting my deadline, I went to bed with a cup of tea.

It was glorious.

Then I came back to it, when I could really line up my own creative impulse, my own refined understanding of the complexity of doing our work with the blank and begging page. Simple really and totally META, since I got to bring what I’m exploring in this article, right up front and center with my own work.

So I invite you to grab your own cup of tea, dig into your own heart, your experience of your own work and kick back with this exploration of what it takes to pursue your life’s calling, from my soul to yours.

“So…” I might say all casually as we’re having a light chat about the weather…”What part of yourself do you feel is so wholly unacceptable that you’re always trying to deny, push, hide, change or ignore its existence?”

Is it a lingering piece of your past, or the rough aspect of your personality? Maybe your familial affiliation or your fervent interest in something you think is dorky/racy/dangerous/boring/dumb?

Maybe you’re inclined towards that fifth shot of Yagger, dancing on tables and nursing a Sunday morning shameover. Maybe your anxiety takes over in social situations and you say things that you stay awake late in the night picking over with a critical mind. Maybe you’re always running late, losing your keys or your creative momentum.

Maybe you quit things you start or don’t start things at all.

Maybe you’ve lied to your parents, stolen from your boss or cheated on your spouse. Or stolen from your parents, cheated on your boss and lied to your spouse. Maybe you kissed your sister’s boyfriend or have never broken any rule or done anything badass and as a result feel caged in and cowardly.

Maybe you repeatedly let people down.

Or you’re ‘one of those’ who’s so busy meeting everyone’s expectations that your own dreams are dimming and fading away.

Each of us has something. Some part of who we are that feels inadequate, shameful, partial or unacceptable. So we usually don’t want to bring that part to the party.

I’ve got a couple, they’re like the opposite twins…

One’s loud and excitable and will totally try to pressure you into taking off all your clothes with her and jumping into that lake over there.

The other is moody and self-conscious and is desperate for you to like her.

I want neither of them to come to the party. But dammit, if I don’t invite them, they’ll find a way in!

Each part of us needs its expression. Period. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to do that. Hopped up naked chick probably shouldn’t come out to play at a corporate lunch, but if she’s denied her time in the sun with close and trustworthy girlfriends, she might do just that.

Maybe there’s a part of you who’s dark and dramatic, give her some stage time or she’ll sabotage your life. The part of you who’s terrified and scared to show it, open up or you’ll start to freeze. We often corner off certain parts of ourselves for fear that others will think we’re unacceptable. But since we’ve all got something going on, I say we start throwing parties where we’re ALL invited, so that we can inch towards healthier expressions and greater acceptance of ourselves and each other.