Two weeks into 2011 and how’s it going? Resolutions rockin’? Getting your shit together? Not me. I don’t have my shit together at all. My New Year ‘projections’ generally consist of a bunch of measurable goals, financial targets, new projects and deadlines intended to light a fire under me. All of these are in the name of progress, of growth. It feels good to be progressing. It feels good to grow, I am not knocking such things and for many perhaps this is the right place to have their attention this year.

But me, well, I know how to get things done. I know how to make money and challenge myself and be super duper productive. I really don’t need a gold star, honest. But what’s been missing in all of this has been peace of mind, presence, radical self care.

So this year, I intend to peacefully not have my shit together all year long. No goals. No targets. No striving. I notice anxiety rise within me, my mind begins chattering away, flitting through ‘to-do’ lists, all of the things I should be ticking off my list, getting done yesterday. Hell, my website is live and it doesn’t even have content!

But you know what’s more important than getting that done? drinking tea.

I still intend to be productive, grow my business, serve my clients and make some coin. I intend to do a triathlon, maybe two. I intend to strengthen my meditation practice and deepen my relationships. But all of these things will happen only as an expression of wellbeing as opposed to somewhere to get.

And how is this wellbeing realized? By not having my shit together. By not focusing on where I am going or how I am going to get there. For me, this wellbeing is realized by listening to my son breath in his deep sleep while writing this post. This wellbeing is realized by doing yoga in the middle of the day, cooking great meals and sharing them with great people. This wellbeing is realized by chilling in nature, letting the laundry pile up just a bit, having slumber parties and checking my e-mail less frequently.

This wellbeing is realized by living the life I intended to start living once I had my shit together. It’s no small feat, it feels dangerous not having a plan. It feels rather crazy to not be trying to be getting somewhere, but what a relief it is to find that what’s here is quite simply all I want and all I need anyway.

I want to deepen this within myself and work with others on this as well. living now. Making today and tomorrow and the next day the kind of day I’d be content living the rest of my life. Then, as that starts to feel embodied, start building around that, start ‘getting my shit together’ once I am at peace not having it together at all.

It’s a fast paced, moment chasing moments kind of world these days.

Lots to do..places to get…things to acquire…people to impress…goals to accomplish…challenges to overcome…happiness to strive for…relationships to manage…households to run…money to make…

The vitally urgent, oh so inflated sense of importance projected onto everything comes screeching to a halt…when someone dies.

I learned of the death of a colleague yesterday. Shocking. Heartbreaking. The swirl of a day’s agenda enters slow-mo mode. Perspective is taken anew. There is a void. There is deep connecting to do with those who knew her. There is sobbing. There are hearts breaking and opening and bleeding in loss.

There is loss that cripples us and loss that jolts us a little and loss that’s somewhere in between. Then there is life to live afterwards. What is one to do with that? The void that’s left?

It occurs to me that it really takes something to carry on, holding loss and not armoring up against it, not numbing out in order to get back to it.

What helps to face the day to day of living life while carrying that void?

So many seductive little tricks to fill that void. Fill it with lattes and cigarettes and idle chatter. Fill it with e-mails and road rage and shopping trips. Fill it with television and beer and busy thoughts.

So today I am holding the loss, feeling the call to expand myself in order to contain this void and still make breakfast, do dishes, get to work. Moment by moment stay with and not numb against. That’s today, and tomorrow. That’s a lifetime practice I suppose.