The trouble with desire and doubt is that they’re both painful and one is a lot safer to follow.

You want it. You know you want it. You pretend sometimes that you don’t want it or that not having it is okay for now because you have a plan or a vision or some stuff you need to do before you really go for it. But you want it. You. Waaaannt. IT.

But that gap between what we truly ache for, what truly wants to be pursued, expressed or experienced and where we may find ourselves right now, can be a painful gap indeed.

Sitting in desire hurts. The more you let desire in and let desire win, the more something needs to be done about it. This is where doubt strolls onto the scene…

The thing with doubt….it’s like a to the brim shot of tequila at four am. Painful, numbing, will likely make you sick…but no matter what, if you let it in, it always wins…it takes over.

Doubt (and tequila as it turns out) will guide you away from the pain of desire, will give you something else to focus on other than that which you know you ought to be focusing on.

You aren’t capable. It’s not the right time. What if this happens. What if that occurs. What if this idea sucks and your art is bunk and people laugh or loathe or lynch you.

All that doubt is just a noisy distraction. Distracting you from the pain of your desire.

But that’s where we really need to be…in the pain of our desire. How about really sitting in it, feeling it, letting it build, letting it burn, letting it grow so bold and fierce that the only thing we can possible do is give it everything we’ve fucking got.

I want to live in that world. All of us, quenching our desire by audaciously living out our purpose…continually lining it up and knocking it down.

One of the aspects of my work that I find the most challenging and rewarding is being let in to the dark places of a human being.

The hateful places. The places that don’t want to be seen or acknowledged or touched. What is striking about these places, the parts of ourselves that we loathe, that we’re ashamed of or disgusted by or in denial of, is that they are not unique.

Everyone’s got them. Everyone. Every. One.

And yet…and yet…we all go around as if we don’t. We go around hopin’ and a wishin’ that no one else sees or figures out that these parts are there. We go around feeling like some part of who we are is so damned unacceptable.

And while human’s do judge each other, it seems to me that a heck of a lot more energy goes into judging ourselves than others.

What I’m moved by is the resiliency of humanity. That with all the pain and suffering going on in the world, add to it a whack of self loathing, it’s amazing anyone gets out of bed at all!

I love results and people going after what they want and achieving things and expressing passion and all that ra ra stuff. But what I am discovering I love more than that, what I love most of all…

Those moments when I get to witness people lighten up on themselves. Fall in love with themselves. Show tenderness towards those parts that seem so not okay. It seems to me that if we could each give ourselves a little more room to be human, our humanity could come out into the light and brighten things up.

…Universe? Future potential?

This may be an inquiry into paying it forward…A wider view of how we charge for our work.

There are a lot of values that can arise when looking at how we charge for our work.  There are views that range from ‘we should give freely and without expectation’ all the way to ‘charge as much as you can for giving as little as you can’ accompanied by countless worldviews that support these and everything in between.

I recently comped a group of people. I led a meeting. I was happy to do it. In fact, I’ll be happy to offer these people my time in the future free of charge. I don’t always feel that way. Truly. I have no problem charging for my work. We all need to charge for our work, for our time, make a living.

But I am aware of a wider view of how to hold what we charge for. If I can spend some of my time, bring some value to a group of people who are truly up to something that I feel, quite deeply, is in line with my own values and my own yearning for what I want to see happen in our culture and for this world, well then, by helping them…my own life’s work ripples out quite quickly.

For every individual that I can support in falling deeper into their own sense of purpose, for every group that I can support in aligning their intentions and gifts for the sake of something greater, I feel my own sense of purpose fulfilled.

I imagine a future for us, for our children where we are evolving, causing change that truly deals with the crises we face as a species. When contemplating the enormity of it all, it’s easy to feel small and insignificant. But really, moment by moment each of us can be giving each other a leg up, each of us can be moving towards greater knowing, seeing, being and becoming.

So while making coin is great, there’s something about being payed in the potential of a transformed future that rocks my world. It’s the economy of ideas, talents, passion, generosity…evolution.

Damn I love my job. I want you to love yours. And your neighbour’s.

Sex, drugs and rock n’ roll…

It was the impromptu theme at my women’s group last night. It all began as a full-hearted, deeply rooted inquiry into sexuality…how we got to talking about drugs I’m not quite sure but given that we went there, we couldn’t ignore where everything was headed and just had to throw on some music and rock out for a while.

And while we usually begin with a 20 minute meditation and are a lot less ‘girls gone wild’, this meeting-turned-social didn’t lack depth or meaningful inquiry at all. The theme of Collective Expertise ran through our conversation…

What is a Collective Expertise? It’s what happens when you get a group together, bringing each unique perspective, experience and expertise. When we throw these all into the brew, inquire and tease apart, what bubbles forth are even more perspectives, insights and paths to go down. All become enriched.

Unless…well unless what the collective is bringing is a little less than, say, holy…

Have you ever gotten together with a group of co-workers, bitched about your boss or the direction of the company or the like? What expertise are you collecting in this moment? What are you all offering each other? Perspectives on how to ground your righteousness? Ammunition for your war against your perceived enemies?

What about with your girlfriends? Do you get all ‘Sex in the City’? (I know, I know, don’t knock it right? but really) What are you collecting when the conversation about sex is provocative and edgy and funny, but doesn’t drop into the tender challenges and concerns you’re each facing? What collective expertise occurs here?

What about talking about hand bags and expensive shoes? What are you collecting here?

Longing. Craving. Inadequacy. Separation.

The conversations we’re having, especially within groups are creating something…

Don’t mess around. If we stay on the surface, fear speaking to what’s really going on, what we’re actually experiencing, we miss out on the opportunity to create depth, meaning and growth with others…

But not only that. If you stay on the surface, you’re offering less. You’re ripping people off, you contribute to their feelings of separateness.

What would happen if we started demanding more of one another, started offering more to one another? What would happen to the collective intelligence if we actually brought depth and intelligence?

What if Sex, Drugs and Rock n’ Roll got touched into with sacred devotion? What would we be collecting then? I’m honoured to be with people who are doing that…are you doing that? If not, why? If so…Rock on…

Easter passed a few weeks ago. At the last and rather impulsive moment, I decided to play the part of Mary Magdalene in a liturgy held at Christchurch Cathedral in downtown Vancouver.

Certainly not how I usually spend a Monday, not being Christian and all. But my friend was the priest putting it all together and so I thought, hey, why not?

It turned out to be a deeply touching and heart opening experience…one that has shifted the way I relate to myself, my life, my relationships…

To read the full account of that night…go here http://beamsandstruts.com/articles/item/393-being-mary

Feel the fear and do it anyway. I believe that’s a book title, or at least a saying that gets thrown around a lot. Most of us have done this. So scared we want to puke, adrenaline pumping, hands shakin’…

Then you leap.

“Is today going to be the day?” My friend asked me as we all dragged our yoga mats towards the wall to kick up into hand stand. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do a hand stand. The teacher went on about fear, that it’s not a lack of capability that paralyzes us, but the fear.

So, palms sweaty and slipping on my mat, afraid of breaking my neck, I kick up. It’s scary to kick up. Once up, in hand stand, the fear didn’t subside at all. But I could feel the strength of my shoulders, my arms, my whole body.

Strength and fear, simultaneous and fierce.

There has been this secret hope I’ve held, that at some point I will transcend fear. That at some point I will stop doubting and questioning and smashing face first into terror.

Perhaps…perhaps…if I get stronger, better, more capable and confident that I will be cured of fear. Nope, ain’t happening. And why not? Because there are always new edges, there is always the unknown. But there is something delicious, something sweet and sacred and down right thrilling about feeling the paradox, right there, in the direct experience of the body.

Strength, power, certainty, knowing, trust- all there, unquestionably.

Fear, doubt, shaking, trembling terror- all there unquestionably.

To feel them both, mingling together is a reminder, that fear is not to be conquered. Fear, felt alone may be a cue to search for the strength that is already and always there.