How much is enough? How much love or money or praise or approval? How much proof or displays or interest or evidence do you need?
What would happen if you got everything you wanted all at once? Could you take it? I feel like my life over the past few years have been like a rocket in the direction of what I most want to give and receive. It’s been the hardest and the most rewarding years I’ve faced so far.
It’s an interesting feeling, this becoming. As I work and write and continue to bring myself to the edges of my own discernible evolution- my work expands in these wild and ferocious ways.
Karma seems to be grabbing onto the corners of my cape. In every direction there’s something or someone I want to give to. Through every window is opportunity. Waves of connection and accolade.
It’s a trip.
I feel like I’m watching from the outside, observing this unfolding life’s work that is everything I ever wanted, doing just what I’ve always know I’m meant to do and there’s not much more I can ask for. But I do anyway. And sometimes it’s all a bit much. At times, it feels like I’m just trying to catch up to myself.
I want to offer the best I’ve got to whomever I can, whenever I can. I also need space, which I fail to take often. I also want to ski every week. And spend more time with my son than a ‘working mom’ is supposed to. And take summers off. And garden and unplug. And travel and speak at kick ass gigs. And learn to hunt. Yes I said that. And write a book and build a crazy awesome group coaching program with all the amazing people I love working with. And spend more time outside. And cook. You see where this leads? I’d also like to travel the world in two hours and heal every suffering soul in forty five minutes before I curl in with a good book, a cup of tea and an almost five year old in the crook of my arm humming away.
I think of all the people I know and the wishes we all have and it’s a funny thing when wishes start to happen, over and over and over again, until it doesn’t feel like wishes or flukes, but just dharma and what was always going to happen anyway.
Earned. Deserved. Respected. Expected.
I feel pulled between my work and family and friends and education and spiritual practice and, like, getting the laundry done. There’s a superwoman archetype I can see how I dance in it, do pretty well at it. Trying to do it all. But not because I feel like I should or have to or need to prove anything. But because there’s a lot that needs to be done in this world and there are many ways it can be done and a lot of those options look like fun to me. And it’s really tiring. This culture we’re in, it takes some spine, some grit, some real core muscle to know who you are and what you want and how to work with life accordingly.
This is why I ask how much is enough? It’s an important question. What do you really need? How far a reach do you want? What do you want to reach around and hold you? What will it really take and who will you need to become in order to hold and receive all that’s coming your way?
I feel like I try to slow things down in certain ways. Not out of fear, but out of wanting to ensure that I can deliver and that I don’t sell out on myself and the life I want above all. Which may be quieter than I originally thought. Not smaller necessarily. But quieter. But I’m loud, so maybe that won’t work. Guess we’ll have to wait and see…