I used to imagine that once I had more under my belt, once I had some measure of success, that things would be easier and I would be less afraid.
I used to imagine that being seen and recognized and validated for who I am and what I have to offer would give me a sense of impenetrable confidence.
Now that I have arrived where I imagined these experiences would occur, I get to confront a different reality.
It’s at once agonizing and utterly liberating.
More on this in a moment…first a short tale…
I was walking down the street after having a beer with my priest and shaman (true story) and was all a muddle with the drama of being human and he says to me, just like a pal- as if he’s not dropping a total wisdom bomb-
There comes a time when we have to confront that that perfect life we imagined in our minds will not ever happen and is not real. Many people never come to terms with this. But for those who do, when they do…it hurts.
Many of us hope for things to get better. And in many ways they do. But in some ways they don’t.
Circumstances may improve. Goals may be reached. But if you’re really working your developmental edges, there’s always going to be something to be working at.
While experience brings competence and wisdom and trust and a whole bag of tricks at your disposal, it doesn’t mean that the fear is gone, it doesn’t mean that the pain is gone and it doesn’t mean that you won’t tremble or puke or dread or sob.
In fact, while I like it here way better than a decade ago, in some ways, things are harder. It’s more complex now, there’ s more to lose now and while I’ve smashed down so many of my walls and built so many ladders, the evolution doesn’t stop.
I’m less ignorant.
I’m more awake.
That brings a whole slew of other challenges.
I’m always at my edge. Creatively. Relationtionally. Spiritually. Professionally.
So for all the seekers out there…
The good news is, it doesn’t get better.
So now we can relax and just engage with life like it matters.